Day Five: Privileged

The last day of the challenge was a weird one.

I woke up feeling motivated and continued to feel immensely thankful as I listened to some good worship music on the way to work. I really felt God present during that drive and was able to set aside my normal high-stress road rage for a half hour of thankfulness to Him. Came To My Rescue by The Bridge Band really resonated with me as I reflected on the challenge and what our church is doing to seek justice and service here in Richmond and in other countries. "In our life.. be lifted high. In our world.. be lifted high. In our love.. be lifted high."

Then at work I crashed and burned. Stomach growling the whole day, and barely able to get down a half cup of rice. I think the babe might have a bone to pick with me when he/she comes out for sure.

That night Jeremiah and I went to a little celebratory get-together at church to conclude the challenge with other participants. As we talked with one another about when and how we were breaking the challenge, I felt a huge tension, much like the tension I experienced all week thinking about being pregnant. On one hand not feeling right withholding recommended nutrients from our babe, but on the other hand recognizing the reality of pregnant women's situations in places where there's no access to said nutrients. Neither felt right, not even creating a balancing act. All in felt indulgent, all out felt negligent. A balance felt half-hearted.

So the time came when we were free to break the challenge. Some people were going out for dinner that night, others talked about waiting until midnight, and some holding off until breakfast. No option seemed right to me. I knew that these kids and families starving across the world don't have the option of waiting til midnight and then being able to gorge. They don't wake up to a new day suddenly able to eat more than rice and beans. But I can. I feel privileged, extremely privileged. And I feel guilty. There comes a point when we can go back to what we know as normal life, but now it doesn't feel normal. It feels excessive and unfair. It feels like there's no good time to do it, because the reality is that no matter when I eat what I want, there will be about 983 million people who can't. It's frustrating and unsettling.

And all that being said, Jeremiah decided to go grab Cookout for dinner on the way home, as many other Hopers were doing as well. It felt gluttonous. And we didn't rejoice, we didn't speak actually. We ate. And then felt sick. And it was all kind of anti-climactic, as if this thing was all about me, like there should be a big pay-off for me in the end. And today I can go out to eat or to the grocery store and pick up our normal groceries. It's strange.

I believe the pay-off will literally come on Sunday, when participants give the gap. We will rejoice together knowing that the money we saved by sacrificing our excess will go towards fighting hunger and giving souls hope.